When I couldn't bear it anymore br the nurse pointed to the glass door br and said: br the grounds are lovely br at this time of year. br I didn't like to tell her br I was dying for a cigarette; br there were quite a few inside, br gutted from the same. br br I found a bench, private on a gravel walk br and tried to breath and inhale br all at once. I saw an old man eying me br greedily following each smoky tendril; br Jaysus, I could taste that, he whispered br and I nearly offered him one. br But the nurse stood sentinel on my manners. br br Pleasantries suspended, down he sat; br flannel under duffle; woollen hat. br It's not the illness that I mind, he said br it's the dying; and he choked and wheezed br with mirth, gallows humour being in fashion here. br br D'ya know what, he said, I hate the thought of them ones br pawing through my private things. br I left a letter in my bedside drawer- br I wish I'd burned it long ago. They'll br see my dirty underwear; What will they think br of the magazines? I could weep, he confided, br I'll die of the embarrassment; br this set him off again, asthmatic chuckling. br br We were driven back inside with the rain; br I took up my accustomed place again br and tried to think of clever things to say br and visiting time dragged on - br while I made a mental inventory of br underwear and poetry and love letters br and tampons and diet sheets and tried br to calculate how fast they'd burn.