Once, in a fit of candour I told Mum how much br I disliked her Staffordshire pottery spaniels; br their vacuous eyes, lopsided shoulders, amorphous br leg-body-tails, slap-dash two-tone glaze and br the absence of any chemistry between them. br Years later, tossing out clutter preparatory to br moving house, Mum said she remembered how br fond I was of her Staffordshire pottery spaniels br and how lucky we were to have a matching pair br and she promised to keep them for me. br br True to her word, they're mine now and I've been br trying develop a rapport, though clouds and inkblots br have more personality than they do. br They're fakes of course; I did some research, but br even the genuine ones are unattractive. Mine were br probably painted by underpaid Chinese children, br an authentic touch since the originals were often br painted by underpaid 19th century English children. br br Their form has been designed purely to deceive, br eastern ingenuity taking advantage of western br elitism. I like that! br They never look dismayed when I leave for work br or pleased to see me when I come home again. br They're not needy, make no demands on me, pull br no heartstrings. I like that! br They fulfil the function of being ornaments, so that br if relatives visit, they don't think my home is deficient br in ornaments. I like that! br I don't need to insure them. I like that! br You can see how well I'm doing; four good reasons br to like them already. I really want to like them br because I'm never going to give them away.