If I had been a Heathen, br I'd have praised the purple vine, br My slaves should dig the vineyards, br And I would drink the wine. br But Higgins is a Heathen, br And his slaves grow lean and grey, br That he may drink some tepid milk br Exactly twice a day. br br If I had been a Heathen, br I'd have crowned Neaera's curls, br And filled my life with love affairs, br My house with dancing girls; br But Higgins is a Heathen, br And to lecture rooms is forced, br Where his aunts, who are not married, br Demand to be divorced. br br If I had been a Heathen, br I'd have sent my armies forth, br And dragged behind my chariots br The Chieftains of the North. br But Higgins is a Heathen, br And he drives the dreary quill, br To lend the poor that funny cash br That makes them poorer still. br br If I had been a Heathen, br I'd have piled my pyre on high, br And in a great red whirlwind br Gone roaring to the sky; br But Higgins is a Heathen, br And a richer man than I: br And they put him in an oven, br Just as if he were a pie. br br Now who that runs can read it, br The riddle that I write, br Of why this poor old sinner, br Should sin without delight- br But I, I cannot read it br (Although I run and run), br Of them that do not have the faith, br And will not have the fun.