Go hang yourself, you old M.D.! br You shall not sneer at me. br Pick up your hat and stethoscope, br Go wash your mouth with laundry soap; br I contemplate a joy exquisite br I'm not paying you for your visit. br I did not call you to be told br My malady is a common cold. br br By pounding brow and swollen lip; br By fever's hot and scaly grip; br By those two red redundant eyes br That weep like woeful April skies; br By racking snuffle, snort, and sniff; br By handkerchief after handkerchief; br This cold you wave away as naught br Is the damnedest cold man ever caught! br br Give ear, you scientific fossil! br Here is the genuine Cold Colossal; br The Cold of which researchers dream, br The Perfect Cold, the Cold Supreme. br This honored system humbly holds br The Super-cold to end all colds; br The Cold Crusading for Democracy; br The Führer of the Streptococcracy. br br Bacilli swarm within my portals br Such as were ne'er conceived by mortals, br But bred by scientists wise and hoary br In some Olympic laboratory; br Bacteria as large as mice, br With feet of fire and heads of ice br Who never interrupt for slumber br Their stamping elephantine rumba. br br A common cold, gadzooks, forsooth! br Ah, yes. And Lincoln was jostled by Booth; br Don Juan was a budding gallant, br And Shakespeare's plays show signs of talent; br The Arctic winter is fairly coolish, br And your diagnosis is fairly foolish.