I want to sit at the kids' table again br to eat turkey and dressing, br pumpkin pie with real whipped cream, br mashed potatoes and gravy br and turn my nose up at cranberries. br br Moving 'up' was momentous br or seemed so at the time. br I'd watched when sisters and cousins br no longer talked about toys br but helped in the kitchen, made less noise. br br But when you're in charge of food or decor, br it seems that death may be knocking. br One less adult ahead, one more child behind br makes the season depressing br not at all meek and mild. br br So I want to return to the table spread br where visions of sugar plums danced in my head. br Perhaps in response to September's attacks br I'll drag my heels at the future and br fight to turn the clock back.