I was flipping channels at 3 am the other night br (televangelism is the cream of the crop, Lord) and br Kirk Cameron tried to save my soul. br br He must be the authority to turn to, br he certainly knows a lot about the human soul, br what with his Christian movie series, br appearances on the Christian networks, br and his family of six kids spawned with his br co-star from Growing Pains, Chelsea Noble, br and the organization they founded to take br terminally ill children and their families on camping trips. br This man is a fucking saint, br and therefore clearly has a br direct phone-line to you. br br Unfortunately, I regret to inform you and Kirk br that I will not be able to attend br the opening of the pearly-white gates br on the event of my imminent death br because I already RSVPed to the br party in the center of the earth br when I lied about being sick to get out of work br and then laid in bed to read filthy feminist magazines br and listen to sinful rock music. br I’ll be happier there anyway, Lord. br You understand. br br Give Kirk my best.