It starts somewhere deep in the soul br like a growl, br and when you find your voice br it becomes a scream; br br 'Oh My God No! ' br br Repeated over and over br as I fell to my knees, br holding myself. br Grief so powerful it shakes you br to the core, br when you lose someone so young. br br I'll never forget the first day br I sat in the courtroom, br knuckles white as I clenched br the back of the pew in front of me. br Knowing any moment, br I would see the face of the man br who took my brothers life. br His friend and college roommate. br br We hadn't even buried Bruce br before the first hearing. br br The door opened, br echo cracked like thunder in my head, br hushed voices, br a door never sounded so loud before. br Nearly stopped breathing br as he walked into the room. br A boy, not much older than br my own sons, br in handcuffs and an orange jumpsuit. br br Everything in that room faded after that. br I heard without hearing the proceedings. br The bail was set high, br we were satisfied br with the judge's decision. br br Yellow tape will never look quite the same; br somewhere in my numbness I found the br courage to go to the house br escorted by a compassionate police officer. br br The tape fell in slow motion. br I froze in my steps, br not wanting to see the place br where my baby brother died.