I would have reduced you to the same br sorry state I am in today if I had met you, br it is better that there was no meeting at all, br I’ll have to make up reasons to survive this br day, I feel like a Russian peasant sentenced br to the Gulag - must replace this with an image br of being a heroine in a great story whose love br unrequited requires strong forbearance to live br her small existence, but the fear of this coming br true is too haunting, the prospect too daunting, br I bitterly cry when reading of such events, though br I can’t return to the cynicism of my youth, too much br feeling is a wave too overbearing to contemplate, br I need a magic thought to lift me out of this day; br that Rudi has to go away frequently creates so br many challenges I have to face, to carry my lone- br liness quietly, not complaining, not making it br difficult for him; it seems easier for him, he br has new adventures on sea while I continue br in the same place, without his smile, br without his embrace…br br Louise Tredouxbr br