I am looking for a past br I can rely on br in order to look to death br with equanimity. br What was given me: br my mother’s largeness br to protect me, br my father’s regularity br in coming home from work br at night, his opening the door br silently and smiling, br pleased to be back br and the lights on br in all the rooms br through which I could run br freely or sit at ease br at table and do my homework br undisturbed: love arranged br as order directed at the next day. br Going to bed was a journey.