I sat before my desk last eve br To assess my current plight; br The things I see, you might agree, br Indicate a major blight. br br My heartbeat is irregular br And, likewise are my bowels; br My appetite has flown the coop br While my nervous stomach growls. br br My sex drive took a wrongway turn, br On life's highway, some miles back; br My drugs for that don't seem to work br So, I'm no good in the sack. br br My bones keep going crackle-pop br And my back's in constant pain; br I have fungus on my toe nails br And my garden needing rain. br br My teeth and hair are getting thin, br I'm having trouble seeing; br My prostate gland has swollen up br And that restricts my peeing. br br That about sums it up, for now, br Not to mention larger ills. br Did I forget to tell you how br I keep mixing up my pills? br br I'll be eighty five, when spring arrives br And, with luck, I do survive; br So, thank you, thank you, thank you Lord. br Gosh! It's great to be alive.