ACT I \rbrFrankie: Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? Oh, damn it.\rbrCome on! Can you hear me? - Some people call this the middle of nowhere - Can you hear me? Hello? Hello? You know, one of those places you fly over on your way from somewhere to somewhere else, but you wouldnt live here.\rbrFlight attendant: Folks, right now were flying over the great state of indiana, if youd like to take a look.\rbrFrankie: Well, look down next time, and youll see us down here in the middle-- Orson, Indiana, heart of the heartland, proud home of little betty snack cakes, the demolition derby for the homeless and the worlds largest polyurethane cow.\rbrSo howd I end up in the middle of the road in this getup? Here? No.\rbrBars! I got bars.\rbrGuess it all started a couple of weeks ago, and no, Im not an ual superhero, not unless you count getting my kids out the door for school every morning.\rbrFrankie: I made breakfast! Come on, were late! Lets go, lets go! Thats my youngest--Brick.\rbrYou know how you think giving a kid a cool name will make him cool? it doesnt.\rbrOkay, now listen.\rbrToday at recess, I dont want you wandering around alone on the perimeter.\rbrAll right? Makes you an easy target, you know? Like--like the gazelle that gets separated from the pack.\rbrYouve gotta find yourself a group of kids and just stand near them.\rbrBrick: You know youre my hero, right, mom? Thank you, honey.\rbrFrankie: Eat your pancake.\rbrBrick: Its still frozen.\rbrFrankie: Well, lick it. Itll last longer.\rbrFrankie: Hey, mike, have you seen that envelope with my drivers licence from the D.M.V.? I need it for work.\rbrWhy is this place such a mess? That one over there would be Axel.\rbrSince he hit 15, he hibernates in his room and only comes out to paw through our food and shoot off sarcastic comments.\rbrAxel: Oh, were out of chips.\rbrNice job, mom.\rbrFrankie: Yeah, I cant hear you if you dont have pants on.\rbrBrick: Mom, wheres my homework? Okay.\rbrFrankie: When did this happen? Mike, look at this. Look at this.\rbrThis is--I havent had my drivers license picture taken in seven years, okay? Heres the old one. Look at this. What happened to me? \rbrMike: Uh, well, back then you were all young and shiny and wondering what your lifes gonna be. And now, well, now you know.\rbrSue: Mom! Hey, come in here if you want to talk to me.\rbrFrankie: Axel, put some pants on. Here.\rbrOkay, maybe it was just a bad picture. I mean, yikes.\rbrMike, does it ever bum you out that Im not young and shiny anymore? Well, sure, honey.\rbrMike: Its a huge bummer, but what are you gonna do? Oh, shoot! I wanted chips for my lunch.\rbrAxel: She didnt buy any.\rbrFrankie: Sue, grab a pancake. Were late.\rbrThats Sue.\rbrShes been going through a bit of an awkward stage for the past 13 years.\rbrSue: Mom, the dryer ate my leg warmers again.\rbrFrankie: I told you, you cant put wet things in the dryer anymore.\rbrSue: Well, I need em, cause guess what? Im trying out for show choir this week.\rbrFrankie: I know, I know-- thats not an expression parents should have on their faces when their daughter tells them shes trying out for something.\rbrBut see, Sue had a long history of things she tried out for-- a long and painful history.\rbrMike: Show choir. Wow, super. That--that should be fun to try out for.\rbrFrankie: Now listen, dads gonna fix the dryer again, but right now I just need everybody to go.\rbrLets get out the door.\rbrCome on. Lets go. Lets go! \rbrBrick: Mom.\rbrFrankie: That drivers license picture was a big wake-up call from the D.M.V.\rbrSomehow the life had been sucked right out of me.\rbrBut who or what had sucked it? \rbrSue: Mom! \rbrAxel: Mom! Mom! Mom!\rbrSue: Mom, hes not giving my bag back! \rbrSue: Mom! \rbrAxel: Mom! Mom! Mom! \rbrFrankie: We did teach em the word dad,didnt we? \rbrWere a 2-job family.\rbrMike manages a bunch of boneheads down at the quarry.\rbrMike: Oh, for cryin out loud.\rbrFrankie: And my latest job Im too smart for is selling cars at Orsons last surviving car dealership.\rbrPete: What a month, huh? \rbrBob: Frankie, dont let him intimidate you.\rbrHe may be the king of sales around here, but hes been rejected by the Elks Lodge twice. Im not gonna say by who. It was me.\rbrFrankie: Really? \rbrBob: I told them that hes a pedophile.\rbrFrankie: No.\rbrBob: Yeah. Hes not. Hes not a pedophile. Hes not.\rbrFrankie: Wait, bob.