For months, South Park fans have wondered how the Comedy Central staple would tackle the current state of the world. After Wednesday’s pandemic special, they finally have their answer — and it’s horrifying. Naturally, everyone in South Park takes a slightly different approach to the pandemic. Randy sees it as a business opportunity, proudly calling a summit in the town square to announce that Tegridy Farms is having a “pandemic special,” a 10 percent-off extravaganza. “People are dying, Randy, and all you can think is to make a special about it?” asks voice-of-reason Sharon. But Randy remains confident in his latest venture, and it isn’t long before he’s rubbing his success in his family’s face. That is, until a news report confirms that scientists have pinpointed the origin of the coronavirus to a specific bat in a “seedy part” of Wuhan. The news stops Randy dead in his tracks, as he suddenly recalls having unprotected sex with a bat during his trip to Wuhan. It was during one of his all-night benders with Mickey Mouse, who reminded Randy that a bat is basically just a mouse with wings. It’s a serious wake-up call for Randy, who previously referred to COVID-19 as “some dirty virus from China” and downplayed his brother-in-law’s diagnosis because “Jimbo’s a fat alcoholic who would be in the hospital anyway.” Randy is desperate to hide the truth from his wife because, as he points out, “If she finds out I started the pandemic, she’s going to be a total bitch about it.”Randy is briefly relieved when follow-up tests reveal that the bat is not connected to the pandemic, but a whole new panic sets in when he learns the real creature responsible. It’s a actually a pangolin, and you guessed it — Randy suddenly remembers that he and Mickey had sex with one of those, too. He immediately attempts to cover his tracks, infiltrating the containment lab by posing as a “pandemic specialist.” (By his logic, he’s not lying!) After setting his one-time lover free, Randy thinks he’s in the clear, until Mickey threatens to expose him to the world. Thinking quickly, Randy buys himself some time by testing a new theory: If he can get his DNA into COVID-19 patients, he could vaccinate them without them anyone learning the truth. So he does just that by depositing his specimen (ugh) into a Tegridy joint and delivering it to Jimbo. And wouldn’t you know, it works! So Randy gets down to business, filling his massive supply of weed with his own personal seed. (Grossest rhyme ever.) But while this “special” strain of weed does briefly eliminate symptoms of COVID-19, it comes with an unexpected side effect: a Randy-style mustache! Pretty soon, every stoner in town is rocking his signature ‘stache, forcing Dr. Anthony Fauci to encourage all Americans to start wearing their “face diaper” over their mouth “where the mustache would be.” (Ironically, this is what gets everyone to start wearing their masks correctly.